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listen  jim guthrie read  the little prince laugh  ryan belleville
random © design and text by near-sighted 2001-2002 |
music: "still fighting it" - ben folds I went out with Trina and her mother to see a comedy performance again. When we got to the venue, I noticed on the scoreboard that his name was displayed. He was going to be performing. In a matter of five seconds, I started to panic and then slapped myself silly for even worrying about it. Trina knew about the history of this fleeting fascination with him, and told me I should go and speak with him for a bit of closure. I knew I couldn't. He is much too aloof and moody for my interests. I thought he was someone else. I had created this image of someone I wanted to be with, and I couldn't deal with reality once it hit me. I was over him and had no feelings for this person. She asks me if I want her to talk to him. I said no. I pass him in the hallway again and he bats not an eye in my direction. Trina, who knows of this boy from our volunteering stint together, walks right near him and returns to me saying, "Yeah, I know what you mean - he seems like he's spaced out. He looked right through me." She emphasizes her statement with a questioning glance and pause. And after that sentence, that validation from someone outside of my fantasy world, we both nod and it is silently understood that this person would never be the right type of person for me and that I am much more happier focussing my energies on the rest of my life, waiting for that right thing to come along, whether it happens this year or when I'm 45. And I turn to Trina and we laugh continuously and I realize that I haven't had this much fun, nor felt so non-distraught about rejection, in a long long time. She takes us to Denny's over on 16th Avenue and we munch on the nacho and sampler platter, talk about boys and with every minute by her side, I feel as though I'm learning more about me as a girl than I'd ever known before.. Do I want to be alone? Sometimes I say yes. I have a flexibility and free schedule that some people would die for. Do I want to be with someone? Sometimes I say yes. Especially those moments when I just return home and spend six hours typing away on my computer or watching stale Laugh Pack reruns on Fox. But there's no way in hell that I'm going to get myself involved with people for convenience's sake. And this is the battle. How are we to know? Will my blinders be off and will I look at this next person with a true overall perspective of the issue? Or do we all fall in love based on primal convictions and must we deal with the consequences afterward? I've been wrong before. What will stop me from being wrong again? For now, I don't want to deal with this confusion anymore, these insecurities, these misunderstandings, analyzing and overanalyzing physical cues and cryptic sentences. I am not in the mood for playing games and I feel a bit relieved in saying this. Maybe I'm actually free for the first time in my life. Or maybe I'm just unsure just like everyone else and I'm only trying to convince myself this is the right thing. "Headlights crest the hill Shadows pass her by and out of sight Annie sees her dreams: Friday bingo, pigeons in the park"
And I feel fine....... - 2004-02-23 |