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listen  jim guthrie read  the little prince laugh  ryan belleville
random © design and text by near-sighted 2001-2002 |
You haven't stayed anywhere for longer than a year and a half in the past four years. In that year and a half, life was rife with ample sulking, pouting and mood swings that could have knocked down a skyscraper. You made some premature decisions, made yourself stay in a city you weren't too keen on and ended up filling your days with mindless, numbing activities, being employed as a temp and convincing yourself that you'd conquer things in your spare time that you instead filled with long spurts downloading music and reading online journals on the Internet. The remainder of the four years, you wander. You wander spectacularly well. You wander, looking at the world through fascinated eyes, but then return to a place called 'home' looking at it through those prepared, cynical eyes. You don't know what to fathom of this world. This world of expectations and what seems like limited possibilities that you often do not want to consider. No marriage. No full-time permanent meaningless job just for money's sake. No need for other people to suck up your life. You are selfish, but in an accomplishing way. The world must be constantly grand, full of surprises, full of spontaneous games and twists, punches and bonus points that even a veteran video game enthusiast would not foresee. Do these fireworks need to be nurtured?, you ask. You walk around town this evening and think about the short amount of time spent in every place you've resided in the past four years and worry that any network of close friends will dwindle to nothing. That, because of a need for constant entertainment, you won't ever give any chance to get to know your environment thoroughly, to take the time to find out that a coworker prefers her coffee with whitener rather than cream or that the corner bakery will sell bagels with the mold hacked off every Thursday at 6:00pm, depending on who's on shift. You wonder if you will ever know who the most trusted meteorologist is and if you will ever get to use his or her name in the sentence "Oh will that _________ ever get the weather right?" like you've been in town for years and could predict the weather better than he or she. Will you have the ability to hold a person, have faith that you love this person, know that he feels the exact same way, with a degree of mutual strength and intensity, and be willing to compromise without it having any glimmer of feeling like compromise. I am getting closer to understanding what I want in life and what makes me happy. And, for the most part, this does not involve "settling" as described in traditional white-picket-fence terms. I have a fear of settling and becoming stagnant. But having said that, there's no way I would pass up settling for the right thing. And when it comes, I will know. I think we all convince ourselves of that. But when it comes, will I know? Will I truly know? And when I truly know, I just hope that I have the foresight to see that my decision is right. Because what's the point of living for something that's wrong?
And I feel fine....... - 2004-02-23 |